


confessions, defeats.

by goldenfields



Series: cities and countrysides [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, First Love, M/M, Moving On, Open Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:33:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28895178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenfields/pseuds/goldenfields
Summary: Taeyong is ten when he first meets Jaehyun in front of their driveway. He sees a round faced kid peeking from behind his mother’s knees, eyes so wide and startled and very much confused at the unfamiliar voices calling for him. He thinks nothing of him at first. The next day, Jaehyun visits their house with freshly baked cookies and a smile, and Taeyong guides him inside to play.-Jaehyun confesses to Taeyong countless of times, and Taeyong rejects him for all of them.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong
Series: cities and countrysides [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2119170
Comments: 3
Kudos: 80





	confessions, defeats.

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ: This will contain sensitive themes. Please read at your own risk.
> 
> tw // underage sex

Taeyong knows Jaehyun like the back of his hand.

He knows that Jung Jaehyun is younger than him. Two years, to be exact. That fact alone has made the both of them stand on different grounds when they were much younger. Their age gap, albeit only a tiny piece of their life span, has always made it difficult for them to brave the waves of their… _relationship._ It’s always been _Taeyong hyung_ and never just Taeyong. That fact alone already sets them apart.

He also knows that Jaehyun is too kind for his own good. He would be the kind to help old people cross the streets and tutor his neighbor’s kid for free. There was a period of time when Taeyong’s grown to despise him solely for that fact alone. Jaehyun never got angry at him even when he forgot to bring money during one of their club’s practices and he had no means no buy himself lunch. Instead, Jaehyun even offered to give half of his food to him just so he would have enough energy to push through the practice. When he injured his foot and had to sit out the rest of their competition which prompted their loss, Jaehyun never blamed him. Instead, all he did was smile and told him to take care of himself more. When Jaehyun confessed to him for the first time, and he told him to wait, he stayed kind. _I understand, hyung,_ he said. Even when he confessed again for the second time, the third time, the fourth, fifth, sixth, and all Taeyong did was reject him over and over again, he still remained kind.

It’s not serious, right? He’s only 16.

“We’re going to graduate soon, anyway,” he tells Johnny one afternoon as he plays with the cap of his water bottle. His elbows are propped against his bruised knees, blotches of reds and purples littering the small expanse of his pale skin. “He’ll get over it eventually. And besides, it’s not like it’s a serious crush.”

Johnny turns to him, an eyebrow raised. When he speaks, there is a hint of confusion evident in his voice. “Really?”

“What else could it be? It’s probably just infatuation,” Taeyong shrugs. “He’s _sixteen,_ Johnny.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“He’s younger than us. He’s a kid.”

“A kid? What, like he’s not learned his alphabet yet?”

“I just don’t see him that way,” Taeyong sighs. “He’s like a younger brother. That’s it.”

“A younger brother,” Johnny repeats. He huffs out a breath as he spares a glance at where the others are practicing. “Really?”

“Yeah…”

Jaehyun is two years younger, and Taeyong knows him like the back of his hand. He knows his voice and the slight falter in his footsteps during the mornings, and he certainly knows of his kindness and the feelings he wear on his sleeves. Jaehyun isn’t exactly the subtle type. He is as sincere as he is kind. Taeyong also knows that for a fact.

“I think you’re in denial.”

Taeyong glares at him. “Why would I be?”

“Maybe because you like him too?”

Taeyong shakes his head. “I don’t,” he says. “I really don’t. And even if I did, I don’t think I’ll return his feelings. He probably only likes me because he knows I can be someone he looks up to.”

Johnny hums and taps the tip of his index finger against his lap. “Maybe,” he lilts. “He does admire you a lot. He talks about you too much.”

“He does,” Taeyong agrees, chuckling. “Even when we were younger, he’s always been attached to me. Now that I think about it, maybe he’s going through that phase where he mistakes simple admiration for romantic feelings.”

Johnny only shrugs. “Both could still exist at the same time.”

He does have a point. Before Jaehyun had even thought of confessing, his admiration for Taeyong has always been evident with the way he carries himself around him. Jaehyun gravitates towards Taeyong like a magnet. He would smile and speak with his chest puffed out to appear bigger, to appear taller in front of his hyung. And Taeyong, well, Taeyong remains unresponsive. He knows Jaehyun will eventually grow out of whatever phase he’s currently in the moment he grows more into himself. No matter how much Taeyong looks at him – despite the hair gels and the strong colognes and the way his voice would drop deeper whenever they get the chance to talk – he still is a kid to his eyes at the end of the day.

A kid, and perhaps a friend as well. Not exactly a friend whom he can lean on and unleash his burdens to, but still a friend nonetheless. A friend and never more than that.

Even after they had kissed in an empty alley after Taeyong’s graduation – their hands desperately roaming against each other’s skin, clawing and grasping and bleeding against the lines they hold onto the surface of their beings to keep them whole, to keep them from breaking apart after years of silently hoping – he would still choose to see him as a kid than act on the brewing storm he’s been desperately trying to keep at bay. Maybe Johnny is right. Maybe Johnny has always been right.

At 17, Jaehyun loses himself to Taeyong’s calloused palms and the curve of his eyelashes. He cries at the burn and Taeyong holds him all throughout. His skin is red against the heat within Taeyong’s room, and when Taeyong touches the small of his back and places a kiss on his nape, he sees white.

“Hyung,” Jaehyun pants as Taeyong continues to thrust inside him. “Hyung, I love-“

“Stop,” Taeyong groans. “Don't say it. Please.”

He seals him with a kiss. He takes the words from undereath his tongue and keeps them behind the crevices of his wildly beating heart. Jaehyun’s silence is deafening after they finish. Taeyong discards the condom with a sigh that breaks through his lungs and stares at the broken handle of his old closet’s door.

“Hyung, what are we?”

Taeyong pulls his pants over his legs with a grunt. “Hm?”

“What are we?” Jaehyun repeats quietly.

Taeyong turns to him only to see his skin flamed with bruises from his own lips. He grits his teeth at the sight, pushing away the feeling of longing and greed and desire creeping up to him, before shrugging. Jaehyun bites down on his lower lip and starts to fist at the blankets pooling around his naked body.

Taeyong knows Jaehyun like the back of his hand. He knows that Jaehyun is younger than him by two years, and that he is too kind for his own good. He also knows of the countless confessions he’s received from him and the smiles that would always come after the rejection. He knows about Jaehyun’s flushed ears and his dimples and the way his muscles would flex underneath his taut skin when he touched him for the first time, and he knows of his desperation to tell him _I love you_ despite the burn and the pain and everything that came with having Taeyong against his skin.

“Go home, Jaehyun,” Taeyong tells him. “It’s getting late.”

* * *

College had been fun for the most part. After Taeyong had graduated from high school and moved in to a new city far away from the country side he grew up in, life had been tolerable at best. During his first year, he joined a new dance team and won his first ever competition as a freshman only a few months after being an official member. The change was different, of course. Much, much different compared to his former high school team, but still better for the most parts. By his second year, he had already learned the ropes of college parties and excessive drinking, and of course, the infamous hookup culture from his peers.

Prior to university, he’s only had sex once. He was 18, then, and far too young for his liking. Far too foolish and cruel. The memory still makes his stomach churn. If guilt is a person, then perhaps guilt comes in the form of Jung Jaehyun.

“You’re awfully quiet.”

Taeyong tears his eyes away from his dorm room’s curtains and turns to look at Johnny who is visibly lax against the bean bag near the doorway. He heaves out a sigh through his nose and lets his gaze falter.

“Is something wrong?” Johnny asks. “You’ve been like this since last week.”

“Like what?”

“Like _that._ ”

Johnny points at him with a sigh. Taeyong furrows his eyebrows in confusion before peering into the mirror to see himself. Instead, he sees a stranger and nothing more.

When a person loses himself amidst the tranquility of his surrounding, terror can be the only one taking part in such atrociousness. Taeyong’s life, for the most part, had been fairly normal after leaving home. His life away from his parents and the place he’s always found solace in is merely nothing but the existence of peace and quiet he’s always been craving for. He is a free bird against the wind, against the clear blue sky, and above the raging waves – but terror, terror seems to be the only thing he cannot escape.

He shakes his head slowly, as though he’s afraid of moving himself. If he removes his eyes from the mirror, he might end up completely forgetting who he really is as a person. “I’m fine, John,” he says. “I think I’m just stressed.”

“Stressed about what? Finals just ended, Yong.”

“Mhm.”

Johnny groans and shakes his head. “No, really. What’s wrong? You know you can always tell me.”

Taeyong sighs before turning to him. “Do you think I’m a good person?”

“Yeah,” Johnny tells him with no hesitation. Fear corrupts the back of Taeyong’s mind. “You’re probably one of the kindest people I know.”

Taeyong smiles humorlessly and takes another swiftt glance at himself in the mirror. “Okay...”

“Why?”

“It’s nothing.”

He sighs. He wonders if Jaehyun would say the say thing; if he would still praise Taeyong even after what he’s done to him. Jaehyun is kind, and Taeyong took advantage of that knowing well about his feelings and his evident desperation. If he were to ask Jaehyun the same thing, would he still speak of him the same way he used to? With adoration and respect and, above all, love?

 _Jaehyun, do you still think hyung is a good person_ _?_

He dips his head in quiet and listens to the night’s unrest.

He only sees Johnny again after an entire week. His knees are still trembling when he was dragged out of a random senior’s dorm room in the middle of the night, still quite drunk on alcohol and cigarettes and the lingering scent of weed on his skin.

“Jesus fuck, Taeyong. What happened to you?”

“Went to a party... got shit faced...” he slurred while Johnny starts to adjust his grip around his waist.

“Did you hook up with that senior?” Johnny asks, aghast, despite being already used to his friends antics. “Taeyong, you need to stop doing that. And you also need to stop drinking everyday! Do you have a death wish?!”

Taeyong pushes him away when they were out of the building. He trips over his feet and leans into the nearest trash bin to vomit. Johnny places a hand against his back to try and soothe him, grimacing when Taeyong starts to cough.

“You good now?” he asks. “Next time, at least learn how to give me a call? Or maybe your other friends? You shouldn’t be spending time in random people’s places every time you go out!”

Taeyong continues to cough.

“Yong?” Johnny leans closer to him before realizing he’s crying. _Oh._ “What’s wrong?” he asks.

“B-bad person...” Taeyong chokes out. “I’m a bad person, John.”

“What?”

“Jaehyun...”

“What about him?”

Taeyong continues to cry harder. “I kissed him,” he sobs. “He didn’t deserve that, John. He didn’t deserve that...”

Johnny wraps an arm around him when he starts to shiver. “It’s alright,” he whispers. “It’s alright, Yong. It’s alright.”

_Would you still think I’m a good person?_

* * *

“Hello, hyung.”

Taeyong has had the same exact dream. He would always be hunted by the image of Jaehyun’s ghost whispering to him in nothing but quiet and the simple existence of dread looming from above his head. Jaehyun is still kind in his dream – perhaps, it is the only thing that would never change no matter how long time passes by. In his dreams, Jaehyun would always greet him. _Hello, hyung. How have you been?_ And each time, his answer would always be the same.

_I’m sorry._

“It’s been a while,” Jaehyun breathes, and Taeyong loses his balance against the wind and feels himself floating into thin air. His limbs are frozen and rigid, and when he moves, he is made of steel. Jaehyun’s voice takes him back onto the surface with a quiet thud. “How have you been, hyung?”

“Good...” Taeyong shifts on his feet before tugging at the sleeves of his coat. He cranes his head to the side and tries to take a good look at their surroundings. The campus seems to always be more active duing the weekends. He turns to look at Jaehyun again with a frown. “What are you doing here?” he asks, perhaps a bit too harshly. Jaehyun’s smile faltered ever so lightly. “And how did you find me?”

Jaehyun clears his throat. “I’m, uhm, I’m an incoming freshman. I asked Johnny hyung to tour me around since I’m still unfamiliar with the place.”

“Oh.”

Taeyong fists the fabric of his coat. Jaehyun is taller now, and much, much broader. Taeyong can barely recognize him from afar. This person, he thinks, is not the same person he’s dreamed about countless of times before. Rather, he is now a stranger.

Jaehyun is not a kid anymore, and Taeyong knows it from the way he carries himself with new found confidence. Jaehyun is far from the boy he’s left three years ago, and the thought manages to pinch at him. It throbs from within his chest, and he wonders if Jaehyun still feels the same, if his kindness is still just as potent as it used to be, or if there is any innocence left in him to forgive.

“Hyung,” Jaehyun calls for him. “Can we talk?”

Taeyong’s breath hitches in his throat. “I’m- I’m sorry,” he stammers, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, Jaehyun.”

“I know,” Jaehyun nods, his voice lilting at the edges. Still as kind as ever. “I know, hyung. And I understand.”

“I’m sorry,” Taeyong repeats. “I- I was wrong. I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. Jaehyun, I-“

Jaehyun only smiles. “I’m okay now, hyung. It’s okay.”

A streak of sunlight peeks from above. The campus buzzes with students whose stories are all but the same. Taeyong thinks back to the day he met Jaehyun and realizes one thing.

* * *

Taeyong is ten when he first meets Jaehyun in front of their driveway. He sees a round faced kid peeking from behind his mother’s knees, eyes so wide and startled and very much confused at the unfamiliar voices calling for him. He thinks nothing of him at first. The next day, Jaehyun visits their house with freshly baked cookies and a smile, and Taeyong guides him inside to play.

At thirteen, he teaches Jaehyun how to dance. They are both still clumsy with their limbs, Jaehyun much more than Taeyong, but the simple moves they do under broad daylight only brings them more exhilaration with the way the music bleeds against their ears. Jaehyun thanks him when the day ends, and Taeyong sees a hint of admiration coating his eyes as he continues to praise him. The validation feels good, he thinks to himself.

Fourteen and a half, and Taeyong is nearly approaching high school. He would always come by Jaehyun’s house during the weekends and give him his school notes from the previous years, and Jaehyun would always invite him to stay for dinner. _Hyung, my mom making your favorite food,_ he would say, and Taeyong would always miss the light hint of pink dusting over his cheeks and the way his eyes would still glimmer with admiration and perhaps something much more.

Sixteen and a new school. He meets Johnny for the first time and finds that he would also be auditioning for the dance club. Later that day, he tells Jaehyun about this new friend of his. Jaehyun only nods.

Seventeen and he finds himself alone inside the club room with a girl from his class, his dick leaking cum at the tip while she continues to rub his arousal with her delicate fingers. He comes with a groan and realizes that it feels much better to have someone else’s hand around him rather than his own. He comes home late that night, and Jaehyun asks him about his flushed cheeks. He tells him nothing.

At eighteen, Taeyong gives Jaehyun and a few more freshmen a quick tour around their campus. The day is hot and humid and overall suffocating, but Jaehyun is overjoyed with seeing his hyung easily navigate his way through the campus grounds. Taeyong catches his eyes amidst the tour and sends him a smile.

At eighteen, Jaehyun joins the dance club, and Taeyong feels prideful of the fact that he is mostly the one responsible for his skills. Jaehyun thanks him after his audition, and Taeyong finally recognizes the emotion tainting his eyes.

At eighteen, Jaehyun confesses to him for the first time, ad he rejects him for the first time as well. When Jaehyun nods and tells him, _it’s alright, hyung,_ he realizes that Jaehyun is far too kind for his own good.

At eighteen, he kisses Jaehyun and takes his innocence away. He leaves after the silence and moves to a city far away, all while still feeling Jaehyun constricting around him, begging for his touch and his lips that have both been too cruel for his kindness. At eighteen, Taeyong loses himself in guilt.

Nineteen, and Taeyong has had too many dicks in his mouth to even count in one hand. Sex is the best way to forget, he learns. He’s fucked countless of people with his own mouth and fingers and dick, and he’s had himself bouncing on cocks after cocks in a single week, but none of them felt the same. None of the people he’s fucked around with were enough for him to take away Jaehyun’s stain on his skin.

He asks Johnny a question at twenty. _Do you think I’m a good person?_ Johnny tells him yes without an ounce of hesitation. He thinks of Jaehyun and wonders if he would say the same. _Jaehyun, do you still think hyung is a good person?_

Twenty-one, and the world collapses on his shoulders with a deafening _bang!_ Jaehyun is taller now, and still as kind as ever. Taeyong sees him for the first time in three years and finds that he wants to run.

Twenty-one, and Jaehyun approaches him again with a smile. _Hello, hyung,_ he says, as though every little thing is the same. As if he’s still the same old Taeyong hyung he’s known all of his life, and he’s still the same kid he left behind.

Twenty-one, and Taeyong realizes that he’s always been in love with the boy from across the street.

* * *

Taeyong is twenty-five when Jaehyun confesses to him again. He smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> comments are appreciated!
> 
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